8. Always the bridesmaid... Never a bridezilla...

You know the saying right?

Well it genuinely seemed for a long time that I was destined to be a bridesmaid forever.  Think of the film '27 dresses' and you will get the picture...

1. 'The 'awwww cute' factor'

It all started off as a small 4 year old as flower girl for my auntie... My sister and I looked picture perfect matched in red and white sailor girl dresses with white hats and posies... 

(We were dressed as matching twins for most of our childhood, despite the 3 year age gap... hated it at the time, but looking back it was sweet... Even when we were 15 and 18 respectively ... Lol) 

The next time was for other relatives, where we dressed in blue velour jumpsuits with silver thread through them... (Excellent choice as it meant they got converted to cool party tops afterwards :-))

The time after, more family stuff and we were dressed in matching pant suits with short hair and little pig tails tied with ribbon... 

(However looking back now ... We just summed up the 80's.  Why did having a pixie crop with wispy pig tails at the back of a shaved head EVER seen like a good idea???? 

Then it was all about big hair, big earrings, but yet so innocent... Gosh how we have changed 😉)

2. The defining leap into adulthood...

However, these days of innocence never prepared me for the world of bitchiness that descends when a bunch of women step up to be 'proper' bridesmaids... Or indeed, brides...

3. 'Meringue anyone?'

As a bridesmaid in the 80's, fashion clearly never made it out of bed the day my peach meringue dress was chosen for me by the bride who wanted to look like the female star in Top Gun...  

Imagine if you will, the bride in a white meringue of lace that looked like she had walked through a net curtain factory, with Clara the long distance lorry driver hair*... 

And me that looked like a toilet roll dolly cover... 

Turns out that she chose an ugly dress so I wouldn't upstage her... I was a spotty teenager with train tracks and glasses... I mean really?? 

(* See pigeonstreet. com for reference)

4. Bridezilla the Hun

Then there was the time when I was asked to be chief bridesmaid to the fiancée of a longstanding male friend of mine.  

Although I thought it strange at the time, she didn't have any friends in the same country as her, so had asked me... Well it transpires that she thought her fiancé and I were having an affair (we weren't), and she wanted to keep an eye on me...???

Anyway she was quite a strange individual... And either incredibly brass necked, conniving or just plain mean.

First off, she was year behind me at uni doing same course... Turns out she copied most of my work when I offered to help her.  I also lent her  my books... Which I never got back.

She also ended up leaving me for the bill for her hen weekend as well as the hairdresser on the morning of the wedding... 'Cos she never carried cash.  

(She also thought nothing of going off with various guys on her hen night which I was scandalised by, but maybe I am a prude)

The night before the wedding, she sent me a list of requirements I was to bring with me - grapes, strawberries, champagne... Actually nothing I wouldn't have taken anyhow, but being instructed to do so kind of put my nose out...

AND she dumped me with looking after the groom's vacant cousins that she didn't like...

Suffice to say, when the groom found out (and not from me I hasten to add), he was absolutely furious... Marriage lasted less than 6 months as it turns out she was not squeaky clean in a number of ways!!!

5. 'It's my party...'

Then there was the whole story of my first wedding... Bridesmaids that hated each other, squabbled amongst themselves and even literally ended up chucking tiaras at each other...

Things became so tense that I had to hold a 'council of war' dinner to set the bridesmaids straight (mainly my ex's cousin) on a few things... Like the fact that I wasn't going to pay for a whole suite of undergarments and tanning sessions for them, whilst pointing out that inviting their friends to the wedding really wasn't appropriate when it was MY day...

... In fact I was so adamant that I was going to be honest and blunt without interruption, I made a spicy pepper soup for starters... Except it was more like a fire starter...

On the upside, it burned everyone's mouth so much that they couldn't talk back... 

Of course, best laid plans and all that ... I had refused to have my bridesmaids spend the night before with me seeing as they were all squabbling ... Instead I opted for the company of the best man's fiancée.  Who then spent the evening telling me all the stories from the stag weekend that I hadn't been told... And she had even brought photos!!

And if things couldn't possibly get any worse, the wedding day itself started with rain, I had packed the wrong bridal underwear, I had to apologise to the makeup and hair people for the one Po-faced bridesmaid, and then had to stifle my laughter as the same Po-faced bridesmaid then split her dress as she was getting dressed...

I shouldn't have laughed but by that point it was better to have found humour in everything :-)

Of course, I have to mention the infamous family photo which still graces my parents home to this day...

It's a very sweet photo of an older sister imparting words of wisdom, whilst fixing my dress before going into the church to meet my fate ...true love.

The actual truth was my sister saying "it's not too late sis.  Get back in the car..."

If only I had listened... Lol 😄😄😄

6. 'The Makeshift Bridesmaid'

There is nothing quite so flattering as being the understudy / stand in.

This doesn't just happen in theatrical circles, but clearly the wedding circuit too...

Take this one time (at band camp...) I was asked to be chief bridesmaid to one of my sister's friends...

Odd? Yes.  But the selection was based on the fact that I lived 3 miles away from her and my sister was 500 miles away...

She also used my house as a free house to stop and 'borrow' bottles of wine if she was entertaining.  Strange cookie.

Then there was the whole pre-wedding makeup experience where our faces literally got sprayed with foundation from an airgun spray... Lets just say, picture a typical orange Essex girl look... On a blue tinged Scot....

However, the wedding itself was fun...in a medieval castle, and if my mum ever asks what an armoire is again... Well lets just say that's probably not a story  for public consumption...

The most intriguing part of the day was watching the stretch limo trying to do a 400 point turn to get through the narrow archway into the castle on a 90 degree turn in a lane ... if you can imagine the scene with the cart in 'Austin Powers' you will get the gist :-)

7. 'Missing in Action'

Aaah the one wedding where I failed in all my bridesmaids duties.  And not even for anything exciting like having a dalliance with the best man or ushers!!

(Unfortunately real life is nowhere as near as exciting as 'Friends' lol)

Instead, this was the wedding where I discovered I had a fish allergy... And subsequently spent half of the meal and ALL of the reception passed out in the bathroom after doing a good impression of that girl in 'The Omen'.

I wasn't even missed by newly wed husband... Although friends did ask him why I wasn't doing my usual duck ass impression on the dance floor...

(I was ultimately fine BTW... It's amazing what cold showers, shot of adrenaline and antihistamines can do for a girl in distress... The funny thing was that most of the wedding guests were either medical staff or in the pharmaceutical trade!)

8. The 'Return the Favour' Bridesmaid

Been one of these twice ... The first for my sister which was great... And another for a friend ... Which was not so great!

Talk about seeing things from different perspectives!!  Whereas I did strive to be fair, include everybody, invite suggestions and generally get everyone involved as much as they wanted... Well suffice to say my friend did not.

There was no shopping together for dresses... Ordered online without us viewing them.  Same with shoes.  Of the 4 bridesmaids we were told what hairstyle and makeup to wear despite the fact that we were literally all shapes, sizes and colours...

(Can I just say at this point that a garish orange dress does not look good against flaming red hair.  No, really.)

It really took the biscuit when we were given target weight loss figures to reach so we wouldn't spoil the photos...

Funnily enough the friendship kind of fizzled out after that... Not sure if she ever really understood why...! 

9. 'Lights, camera, action' 

This has to be one of my all time favourite weddings, and one I had the privilege of being a bridesmaid for :-)

The happy couple are genuinely fantastic people, and have a sideline passion in movies... And the entire wedding was based around a movies / Oscar theme.

However, the bridesmaids on the other hand... Well maybe there will be a movie made out of all the mini dramas that went on between us all...

(First dibs.. i would like to be played by Julia Roberts in that case...)

There were 11 bridesmaids (yes, you did read that correctly ... 11 bridesmaids... And they were all size 6 / 8 / 10... Aside from me... Well I do like being different)

To put it bluntly, we were a mixed bunch who wouldn't naturally choose to be friends, or even mix in the same circles, if it weren't for the bride being the common denominator...

From the po-faced prima donna who would only wear 'Karen Millen', to the one who couldn't wear heels or strappy sandals as her feet were too fat...

Or the perpetual late arrival who drove everyone insane with her timekeeping, through to the sincere and gentle quiet ones who unfortunately couldn't handle their drink...

Or indeed, to the medically trained ones who were quick to give diagnoses but were perhaps not so big on the sympathy vote...

Of course I also can't fail to mention the overbearing bridesmaids mummies who also had their children as part of the wedding party... 

I mean, how much can they bleed people dry?  I would have thought that the fact they had been asked would be honour enough but no... It appeared that they also needed tights, cardigans, shoes, bags and headbands to complete the children's outfits...

Then of course there were the penny pinchers who made a scene about paying an extra £2 on top of their bill for a tip 'as that was not what they had calculated'...

Or the younger contingent who thought that as we landed in Paris and whisked away by minivan, decided to put the fear of god into everyone by announcing 'this is like the scene from 'Taken'.... 

Gasp, shock horror... We were all going to be turned into prostitutes for the Eastern Europeans...

I don't think so.  And jeez, thought I was supposed to be the drama queen??

Anyhow, the wedding day was truly amazing, all went smoothly, photos were beautiful and the speeches were certainly memorable ... And no-one can ever ask for anything more :-)

10. So.... Finally....

After all my various experiences I still love weddings... Preferably not to have another one of my own, but been 'party' to enough of them to think I could become a wedding planner... 

Then I would get paid for my wise words, sage and practical advice... and live up to my previous nickname of 'ninja bridesmaid' :-)

(That name in itself would take a whole other blog to explain... So I may return to that later....) 

7: Holiday Blog: Gran Canaria - Day 7.5

Sitting in the airport writing this last wee bit to finish off the holiday blog this time around.

We are both sniffing, sneezing and coughing a little bit... but tanned, relaxed and maybe still a little tired.  Good news is that we should both definitely sleep on the plane!

Last night after dinner we decided to skip cocktails at Bar Diamonds, and go straight to Sparkles Show Bar.  (The scene of the infamous Norwegian!)

The bar staff recognised us and thankfully we got seated by ourselves at an aisle... and all laughed about avoiding all strange lonely weirdos...

We opted to go straight for gin and tonics, being the classy and discerning travellers that we are... albeit we ordered it by the jugful 😀.

The show was really funny, and included rude covers of the Sound of Music and Aladdin.  I contemplated buying merchandise... but you know common sense prevailed... well, at that point anyhow lol.

After the show had finished, we popped into Coco Loco, where actually we switched to beer (him) and full fat coke (me).  Lots of dancing to cheesy tunes but think we finished around 3am...  after getting our photograph taken, and paying 10 euros for a key ring... honestly, I am a marketeers dream!

Getting back to hotel about 4am, turns out we did indeed post lots of pictures to Instagram... but it was a fun night, and am guessing I won’t be having another holiday for a wee while, so all is grand lol. 😀

I was however absolutely paranoid about sleeping in this morning, so my alarm went off at 8am although my friend was not for stirring much... so I went to breakfast on my own to fend off the buffet lurkers, lurches and bandits.

(I had also set my alarm for 9am and 10am just as back up...still can’t help being organised even on holiday lol 😂)

When I got back up, packing had commenced, and actually it was quite nice to sit and chill for an hour or so before having to get ready for transport to airport.  

The snacks we bought at the start of the week mainly went into the bin, and despite not buying anything than a wee bottle of perfume, I have no idea how my suitcase contents appear to have expanded! Maybe having clean ironed clothes really do take up less space than worn clothes squashed into laundry bags after all lol.

However the trip back to the airport on the minibus was funny.  Most people were sitting in happy peace until these three older ladies from Yorkshire got on.  One was a ‘chatty Nancy’, who gave a running commentary on everything.  Except her newly acquired friend Pauline.  Who was actually called Maureen... 

We could actually hear her from when the minibus drew up, and realised she was one of those happy clappy cheerleader types, shouting ‘Hola’ to everyone and waving.  Then as she was getting on, she loudly declared that there was no space to get into the seats, and it was really very tight you know...

She then sat and waved to her other two friends to show her where she was seated as she was saving a seat for them... I feel I have to point out at this point is was only an eighteen seater minibus.  And she was wearing a brightly coloured muumuu and hat.  Without sounding judgemental, I am pretty sure her little old lady friends could probably work out where they were sitting on their own even allowing for any ailing faculties. 

Despite that, it was quite funny to listen to them all sitting into their seats, and also the fact that she hoped there would be no more pick ups as there were no seats left... (there were 4).

In response to random stranger’s query to his wife about a wanting a pastille, chatty Nancy declared loudly that she would also like a pastille as “it was ever so dry, wasn’t it?”  Not quite sure if she got one, but my friend and I did sit and snigger in the back seat and try not make eye contact.  Well, I did anyhow... not sure he was thinking anything other than trying to sleep... 🤪.

Upon arrival at the airport, I have to say, this was the speediest check in I have ever had on any holiday.  Ever.

As we were flying at peak times on a Saturday, and on a package holiday, I fully expected it be absolutely heaving at the airport.  But no!  Literally no one at the bank of check-in desks, and we got straight through there and security with no waiting times at all.

A big shout out to the security staff though.  I never set off the scanner, but they wanted to check my skull cap.  Rather than ask me to remove it, the security guard just ran her hands over my head... it was really thoughtful and discrete. ❤️. 

And Las Palmas airport is huge, and great facilities and amazingly clean too... I think one of the best airports I have been to recently.  But actually, also have to say everywhere we have been this week has been scrupulously clean and great infrastructure... my prejudices have been fairly and squarely put in their place.  Definitely a place I want to come back to. (She writes with one eye on her diary for the upcoming year 😂.)

Aside from the slightly kamikaze circling by the bus driver transporting us to plane, the voyage home was uneventful.  This has to be a first as normally I find something to comment on lol.

The only thing once we actually reached Glasgow was the airport official who gave us a running commentary on the inner workings of the airport - although think he was only trying to humour us after sitting in the plane for 30 mins due to lack of buses!

So... to sum up... an AMAZING holiday. ❤️

Great company, fabby hotel, learned to relax, ate healthily, walked and swam and danced many nights away to cheesy Europop.  My friend and I never fell out once, and actually, unless he tells me differently at a later date, think we could be willing to do this again together 😀.

(Although I clearly need to get teeth whitened and a spray tan to match him in the photos... 🤪)

So... final holiday memory playlist:

‘Voyage Voyage’ by Desireless

‘Barbie Girl’ by Aqua

Most songs by Vengaboys

Anything by Steps

Ditto from Spice Girls

‘Every Time We Touch’ by Cascada 

Anything by Cheryl 

Plus all the funny, rude and irreverent drag act songs... 😱

These may be the songs I now have to motivate me back to the gym 😀😀😀.

Till next holiday ramblings... (or other Mrs Mac musings lol)... byyeeee x

6: Holiday Blog: Gran Canaria - Day 7

Ahhh last full day.  It’s actually with a degree of sadness that this holiday is coming to an end actually.  Not because I am dreading going home (although going back to severe weather warning after roasting in the sun all week doesn’t help!), but maybe because this holiday symbolises so much.

It is very much the end of a shitty 14 months for me, and it’s the first friends holiday I have been that has been longer than a weekend.  It’s been a very different type of holiday in that it’s not full of excursions or activities, I have literally laid by the pool every day, and on most days I have also drank alcohol. (Cocktails are very sugary and make me hyper I have found lol!)

Perversely I have eaten less and healthier by opting to go half board, and actually, sharing with a friend has also made me more mindful about the general etiquette of sharing with another person.  (As opposed to being a narky cow about all aspects of life. Lol)

I have gone out clubbing till the very small hours and lived to tell the tale too... and actually I love going to drag queen bars and cheesy tunes nightclubs.

And as a tip for all you travellers out there... for a minimal fee, actually eating half board is amazing!  Even if you choose to eat out a few times during the week, it’s nice to know there is always a back up plan should it be required... and the food really is spectacular at this hotel!

I would boringly say I have eaten healthier here on this holiday than I have in other holidays for the sheer fact I have salad and fruit on hand at all meals... of course given the amount of alcohol consumed I am assuming that there will be no actual weight loss by time I get home... 😱😱😱... but who cares?

Funny things discovered this week is how competitive my friend is when taking selfies.  He doesn’t like the ones I take of him... must be a better camera on his phone or something.  Or maybe he just pulls stupid faces when I try and take the photos.  

We also have a good laugh about his need to tan.  The fact that even the maitre’d last night said “oh, your face” says a thousand words... but nope, he insists it’s not tanned enough and regardless of the weather he will be wearing a white shirt to work on Monday just to ‘bring out his eyes more’... the fact that everyone else will be dressed in thermals and puffa jackets is irrelevant...

There have been lots of funny moments this week, some too rude to mention and others where you definitely had to be there... the rest made it somewhere on the blog or general Facebook / Twitter musings... 

Although I do have to take some time out to talk about our fellow diners in the hotel... we have fixed seats at dinner time, and therefore fixed companions next to us.  Well until changeover day.

So the last few nights it has been some really po-faced Finns who don’t speak to each other, let alone anybody in their vicinity.  But they do tend to stare a lot.

Then there are the couples (both straight and gay) which left us pondering as to who, what, why, where and when... the ones who don’t apparently have anything in common.  Then there are the couples who wear matching outfits,  and those who seem to have thought that they were living in the 70’s or 80’s. The list is endless.

Then there are the queue jumpers at the buffet, and the lurkers beside the coffee machine in the morning... there are others who are like chickens trying to forage for their grains, and then there are the ones like pigeons with head popping action trying to see over the heads of others whilst trying to walk with a strut...

Today actually was the quietest day of the week, as literally we got up about 1030am, missed breakfast but just went straight to the pool instead.  Where we stayed ALL DAY.  

It was the hottest day of the week, but with a cool wee breeze to lighten the atmosphere.  After a wee swim, and watching big macho blokes take 40 minutes to enter the pool (it was only cool water - not freezing!), I was quite happy just reading, writing my blog and listening to my audible book.  All whilst slowly turning positions like a suckling pig to even out my barber-pole legs...🤪

We had our daily noon-time sangria, and then we got to around 3pm when we decided we needed a wee bit of refreshment... so opted for another litre of sangria.  Still having had no food from the night before...

Anyway, we started laughing about my intention of going down the pool slide... I mean it’s been a whole week and I haven’t used it yet.  My friend then made jokes about making sure that there were no ‘accidents’ going down the slide seeing as it was rendered white...  I did point out I am past that stage now thankfully 😅.

So... I decided to go for it.  I was initially worried about sliding down in my bikini in case of wardrobe malfunctions.  More to the point, in case I lost either half of it.  However, I swallowed my pride (and my sangria), and went for it. My friend even videos it for a laugh.

The first time I went down the slide sitting up.  But ended up getting a gallon of pool water up my noise and in my mouth, and my skull cap getting whisked off my head.  So, the second time I lay back and literally held my nose.  The videos look awful, but I had no fear of bikini coming off.  Instead I got scratches on my back and a massive wedgie.  Nice. 🤪🤪🤪

After this we decided we should perhaps go and actually get some food for breakfast... so we had pizza and salted Pedron peppers about 4.30pm in the wee place we have been every 2nd day.  The weird thing was I really didn’t feel hungry until I was sitting in restaurant and could smell food.

Oh... but the food.  Amazing.  The wee salted peppers were truly amazing... and not like the ones you get from Cafe Andaluz.  Sweet, smoky, salty... hmmmm. Pizza was good too, and by now the waiter knows us so had pre split the pizza to half each lol.  I love these wee touches.

After food, we went tourist gift shopping.  All I can say is that some unique presents were purchased, and the till assistants were actually having a discussion about the type of person to buy such gifts... now they know, Iain. 😀

We also now have matching friendship bracelets just for a laugh, and it made a great photo op earlier ❤️😜.

Since coming back to the room, we have partaken in more sangria and now Cava.

At this point, I am going to end this blog as we are about to go for dinner and then out partying.  We were going to have a quiet night, but you know... we are not flying until about 4pm tomorrow... so loads of time to enjoy one more late night.... and think of the blog tomorrow!

Have great night everyone... 

5: Holiday Blog: Gran Canaria - Day 6

Yesterday was just another amazing day on holiday here in Gran Canaria😀😀😀 

Done loads of exercise through swimming and walking, albeit I seem to have some kind of lurgy cold thing.  The fact that during the course of this week other people around the resort seem to have joined me in the coughing cacophony is merely a coincidence. 😱

But I do feel terrible that I have passed my lurgy onto my friend.  Am pretty sure that when we agreed to go on holiday together, that he didn’t think he would be sharing with someone who coughs and sneezes all the time, and basically carries multiple packs of tissues with her as her number 1 emergency supplies over cash, phone and sunscreen!  Oh well... we have had fun through the sniffles and coughing regardless.  Turns out actually sun and alcohol seems to both relax and soothe the throat 😀😀😀.

Yesterday was a late breakfast followed by lazing by the pool.  It’s actually funny to watch (and listen) to everyone around the pool.  Don’t get me wrong, I am by no means a pervert, voyeur or anything bad.  But I am good at observation and picking up subtle nuances.  I also occasionally have bat like hearing.  And for the rest... well my imagination fills in the gaps 😜.

Anyway, I write this on our last full day here, trying to match out my barber-pole coloured legs.  I fell asleep in the sun yesterday, and for first time actually got a little too burnished in the sun.

Whilst this is never clever, I am perversely pleased as normally my skin tone is an off-blue, ingrained Scottish look.  And I normally cover up everything with huge shirts, long trousers, floppy hats and oversized sunglasses.  But no more.  This time covered in P20 all day active coverage, I am poolside in an açtual bikini, proud of where I have got to since having cancer.

I still cover up my head, as my baby hair is still fine and delicate, but as for the rest... well, I now don’t care what my body looks like or indeed what anyone else thinks of my body.  It’s quite liberating!  My biggest fear this week was a bikini disaster if I went down the slide at the pool 🤔😜😂. 

(And no that hasn’t happened, yet lol)

But back to yesterday.  A group of 3 guys sat beside us and started talking about viagra, prostrate problems and a 75yr old who has been through 3 ex wives and multiple girlfriends, and trying to decide if and how he need “to get it up”.

They then went into hysterics talking about misunderstandings of pronunciations of urethra vs Aretha (Franklin)...  they also talked about retiring here and becoming cleaners for the gay rooms.  But at that point I

I switched off... 

Over on the other side of the pool, it looked like some kind of porn film in the making.  There was a young(ish) couple who were using the opportunity of putting on suntan lotion to engage in some marital relations by the looks of things, and then there were the ex-pat potentials who “come here for the weather”, where their conversation went from condemning the hen party who were here last week for taking up all the pool side loungers, through to talking about the different prices of sandwiches from various outlets around the hotel.  

However, it was with some interest I watched how people disrobed and oiled themselves up beside the pool.  Some people do it like no one is watching and don’t give 2 hoots.  (Quite rightly). 

Others check to see who is watching and either become quite furtive and hide under towels... or are quite brazen and try to catch people’s eyes as they rub the tanning oil into all layers and crevices.  It’s certainly an interesting observation action... a note to readers... how do YOU do it...?

After leaving the pool, we headed to the coast for the walk round to Meloneras... we walked past all three types of beaches, and the sand was lovely and soft to walk on.  The waves were spectacular, although every time I went to get a picture they became normal sized again... it was like they knew...!

One of the funny things in that walk, was the solitary figure sitting atop a really high sand dune.  I was thinking it must be quite spiritual to go and do yoga close to the elements, and I was about to take a photograph to show perspective of size of dunes, peaceful nature and man doing yoga... and then the guy got up and he was literally bollock naked.  

I am so glad I caught myself in time... imagine explaining that to the police for pervert charges!!!

Lunch was in a wee steakhouse where we had lasagne ‘La Bodega’.  The food again was lovely, although I do think that sitting in the sun did not help my slight burnt chest issue, although my friend is literally turned mahogany.  We got to do a lot more people watching too, and successfully avoided all the tat touts.

The owner however was what can only be described as taciturn.  I am not sure that he was feeling the love to serve yesterday.  At first we thought he was maybe annoyed with us (can’t think why), but actually he treated everyone with the same level of disregard, and we were just amazed that literally his face was frozen still in a grumpy mask, regardless of how we tried to engage  conversation to order food, drinks, the bill...

Coming back to the hotel we went via the shops to buy 10 bars of special soap (don’t ask), chilled out with baths and sangria before heading down for dinner.  By this point we had thought it may have been a raucous night being the last full night for drinking before we fly home... but instead, turns out we may have each had a touch of heat stroke.... so more chilling out and watching the German version of Naked Attraction, and laughed a lot....  before falling into a comatose sleep...

(So good I didn’t cough or sneeze all night!!!  Honestly sun holidays must be good... who knew...?)

Can’t believe today is last day though... will have of wait and see what fun and games happen to write about in due course...!