2: Holiday Blog: Gran Canaria - Day 2

So, before I begin, I have realised I missed out loads from yesterday.

Or more to the point, we sobered up and started having flashbacks.

So this version is going to be like a fancy ‘Director’s Cut’ with all the gratuitous sex and violence which doesn’t normally make it past the censors...

Last night started with us going to dinner and me attempting to spirit away some butter sachets to have with cheese and crackers.  My friend put his 2 in his shirt pocket. I put mine in my back pocket.  

Of my brand new jeans.  

And then realised after 10 mins that I had an awfully sticky wet patch on my ass 😱.

Note to self.  Sitting on butter does not make a good look, ever.

Anyway, that slightly embarrassing faux pas was soon rectified with a quick change and we headed over to the main drag, so to speak.

We did a wee strollette around the square, taking in the various delights of the after hours street market.  The leather breeches and harnesses, the masks and various assortment of toys.  As well as the street hawkers offering to paint portraits, sell flowers or offering to take our photo.

The bars were mainly of mixed audience, with only a couple being ‘men only’.  Where men could be men, animals were hesitant and women were told politely to move on. 😀

So we started off at Bar Diamonds, where a number of cocktails were indeed consumed.  After effectively drinking all day, everything did seem a good idea at the time.  People watching was fascinating, and it was insightful to get to know what type of people my friend is attracted to.  ❤️

We then experienced what I can only describe as pup-gait.  One guy entered the bar with his man-sized pup in full harness and face mask.  And proceeded to pass the pup’s lead to the drag queen at the door, whence a bowl of water was made available.  The pup was then paraded around the patrons, much to everyone’s delight... all I could actually think was how fit the individual must be in order to walk around on hands and feet like paws.  I reckon it must be quite tiring... 🤔.

After this, we moved onto Funnyboys... one of the most varied and professional drag queen shows I have ever seen.  Each act was excellent - the costumes, the moves, the timing, the make up,  and my word... their figures!!!  To be honest, I am just jealous as they have much shapelier figures than me and I am intrigued where they get their hosiery from, as well as their wigs 😀.

Even now, my friend and I debated if there was one act who was indeed female.  If she wasn’t, then her breasts looked even more real than mine, and there was definitely no sign of any adam’s apple.

After we had had enough of there, we moved next door to CocoLoco/Nutz, where there was dancing.  Of many types.  

There were actually paid dancers on the tables, there were poles in the middle of the floor, and then there were just normal punters dancing around as you would see in any club.  All good harmless fun, and I was bemused by the podium dancers who were wearing the skimpiest of shorts with big work boots, and who were clearly very keen to show off their Calvin Klein briefs.  Then there were the OAP’s who were game to try anything and actually did go pole dancing 🤪.  (Fitter than I am anyhow, I was actually just impressed!)

We kind of stuck to ourselves and bopped around to the crazy dance tunes which ranged from 80’s classics, thought to 90’s cheese, through to modern favourites.  We did however keep saying every half hour that we should probably head home and get some sleep... and then another tune would come on and we would start dancing again.  It’s been a long time since I have had the energy or inclination to do that - but even once we decided to leave at 4.30am (yes that did read 4.30am), we headed across the square (still dancing and singing), and we were very nearly drawn into a 3rd club... but we resisted and went home.  Not bad for 40 yr olds (ish) people who had been up since 6am previous morning 😀😀😀.

Oh just an aside - the toilets here are pretty awful.  And like any night out anywhere, they definitely get worse as the night wears on.  And I am all for gender neutral / communal cubicles and all  that... but I actually don’t like it.  I have such a phobia of horrible toilets, that sometimes I really like having privacy and seclusion and cleanliness.  Maybe it’s why I don’t actually go out much lol.  Either that or I am just going to have start wearing those adult nappies for incontinence and hope for the best...

Anyway... back to today.

This morning I was up by 8am and just enjoyed quiet time actually reading my first real book in a long long time.  I then went on the hunt for the hotel gym and then came back in time to go for breakfast.  It’s intriguing see how other people holiday, and the games they play at people watching 😀😀😀.  It’s also heartening to know that wherever you go, there is always a great mix of people of all genders, persuasions, beliefs and practices.  But have to say, this particular resort is really friendly and I certainly don’t feel threatened or unsafe anywhere around here 😀.

Today was basically a chill out day.  We went to the pool, sat in the sun, did very little swimming, and then fell asleep in the sun. The most exciting fact of the day at this point was that for the first time ever in my adult life, I wore a bikini.  A bright red/orange one.  And I actually felt ok in it.  Well, that and the fact that I didn’t go into the pool squeaking like a pig this time 😀😀😀.  (Still need to work on reducing my thunder thighs, but hey, will get there lol.)

Today we are going with the rationale that we are tired.  But, I think we each only snoozed for about half hour at the pool.  Then we were back up and busy with a cheeky late lunch,  back to room for the cava, then dinner and then out again this evening.  

Oh.  But lunch.  Our lunch of sharing starters was great.  Full of garlic and a way to ensure that no one will ever come near us, but that goes alongside eating the brussel sprouts for dinner last night lol.  However, what did happen was that someone came into order a gluten free meal.  In a typically snack bar environment where everything either was either in a roll, covered in breadcrumbs, or pasta based.  I mean... the menus were posted all over the place, and there are a gazillion other venues around the complex.  However, to the restaurant’s credit, and overcoming about 3 different language barriers, the customer managed to order what he could actually eat.  And then proceeded to take a banana out of his bum bag (not a euphemism here), and sat and munched it whilst waiting for his paid food to arrive.  Huh.  Some people eh?

(I realise now that this entire week I am going to be full of nothing except double entendres.  It must be the company I am keeping lol 😂😂😂.)

So... Tonight we went to ‘Ricky’s’ - another drag queen show bar, which was definitely more bawdy and rambunctious than last night’s affair.  But very, very funny 😀.  And this one had a lot of audience participation.

The opening act took great pains to tell us about the ‘tuck’ manoeuvre which allows them to be able to wear such tight fitting dresses... I swear I saw some people actually wince in pain at the description lol.  But a really good show, and yet again I marvelled at the skills and showmanship it takes to put these shows together.  And I still wonder where they buy their tights from 🤔.

Sitting in front of us tonight were three transvestites, who I think were mainly going for the American Mid-West middle aged mom look from the 50’s.  Or some kind of creepy baby doll look.  Let’s just say that dressing as women that looked like middle aged frumps I couldn’t quite get a handle on, and THEIR wigs were just plain awful.  And they had hair clasps that looked like something you would get out of a Christmas cracker!  (Oh I am never normally this bitchy!!! It is definitely the company I am keeping this week... 😱)

It was quite funny though... as my friend was saying that if I had worn one of my wigs this evening, we could have made up the ‘wig corner’.  I found that funny, but turns out that one his friends may have thought that was insensitive... I think on the basis that people don’t want to make fun of the ‘people with the cancer’.

(You have to imagine that last phrase said in the style of a gay, deaf person with a slight speech impediment to mimic how he actually said it to me...)

He also refuses to partake in wearing any of my wigs... but we are here all week.  Let’s see if I can snap him prancing around with a wig on... 😀😀😀.  

He did also make me crease up with laughter by pointing out that the transvestites in front were probably married, with ‘butch’ jobs, and their wives probably thought they were on some kind of manly stag do and going to watch lap dancing and getting pie-eyed.  To be honest... that actually might be what they are doing... just perhaps in a non-gender specific way. 

The blokes beside us during the show were equally funny.  I get the feeling that one was a frequent guest of this complex, whilst the other one was... well let’s just say, virginal in his exposure to these shows.  As the show artists were coming up the aisle towards him, he grabbed a chair and tried to make it a barrier in front of him so as to avoid audience participation... as the drag queen was coming towards us with a glint in her eye, she maybe took pity on the lad beside me.  Me, on the other hand, had been well warned by my friend.  “Join in with EVERYTHING they say, don’t have your mobile phone out, and don’t make eye contact...”.  That just made me laugh.... I mean... it’s not like they are wild savage beasts.... or are they? 😱😜😂.

Once it hit about 1am, think we were in that ‘we really can’t face much more without actually getting proper sleep’ mode, so we came back to the hotel.  My friend is lovely, but seeing him swaddled up in blankets because he is feeling the cold at 16 degrees, when actually we have only just left slightly above freezing temperatures at home is quite funny.  Imagine if you will, a fully dressed man, with a bathrobe on over his clothes, plus a fleece blanket wrapped round him like some kind of Egyptian mummy.  That’s my friend right now lol.  

I have however, managed to pick up another stupid cold, probably from the flight, so I am guessing I am going to range from being an irritating sniffer, through to one of those great nose honkers which really grates on people’s nerves... yikes.  But it’s not my fault - honest!  

The other thing I think is that there is a lot more smoking across here... so maybe that’s not helped either.  Especially given that as non-smokers we appear to be in the minority, and a lot of people seem to believe that blowing smoke in my face is a good thing.... (‘cos clearly I have not had enough exposure to fecking cancer this year - and I was actually wearing my chemo skull cap!!!)

So... we will see what tomorrow has in store.  But loving this so far.  Have to say would recommend it in terms of fun factor.  But also appreciate that it would definitely not be everyone’s cup of tea 😂. 

Till tomorrow...