10: Interesting Jobs and Peeps Along The Way (Part 1)

So... I am fortunate enough to have had a varied and rich career... Lots of jobs in a short space of time.... Now I would like to think that is because I am red hot at what I do... But it may just reflect the fact that I get bored easily... And according to my dad, I have to keep moving on in case they ever catch up with me... 😄😄😄.

Actually... Maybe if I was a kid nowadays I would be diagnosed with ADHD.  Remember the last blog issue about me and my fear of being a hypochondriac??? Lol.

Anyway, having so many jobs has certainly given me rich pickings for observations, story telling and jokes... Which just for a laugh, thought I would share here... 

(Short reminder that some of these have happened to me, some to others, and some to 'friends of friends' (evil laugh lol))

1. Learning to 'talk proper'...

So... My first job ever.... Actually was as a switchboard operator at local geriatric hospital.  Weekend working, 12 years old... Paid £1.25 per hour.

With hindsight I may not actually have been legal to work there, but it was amazing training ground in public service and practising my elocution ... I made it an art form to say "good morning, <name and full address of establishment>, <my full name> speaking, how may I direct your call...?"

However after a couple of weeks, this got shortened to "good morning, <name of establishment> how may I direct your call...?"

It did have some great perks though... I got free use of the swimming pool... Sole use at times!!!  (Made up for the fact that I used to have to walk up the long scary driveway in the dark 😉....)

And as for dealing with some of the staff... Well, if I stop and start with the sentence... 'They were all nuns....' I will allow you each to think of where those words would / could have taken me.

(For further background context, I was raised a Catholic, grew up trying to decide between being a nun or an actress, and my favourite film is the Sound of Music... Draw your own conclusions! 😄😄😄)

2. Big mouth gets me into trouble...

After the heady heights of being a telephonist, I upgraded my pay by 100% by changing to being a newspaper delivery girl. It was a breeze... Until it got cold, dark, wet... And I picked up a couple of known bullies on my tail... 😥.

So I did what any 13 year old smart mouth did... I shouted rude things at them and ran away.... And told my big sister about the horrible bully twins... And my big sister then came to my rescue in the most amazing way possible.... (Heads literally being banged together rings a bell!) And then she tore me to shreds for being so stupid.... Lol 😄😄. 

I gave up soon after that as I discovered that newspaper delivery was really not my thing... Especially when I was also delivering a gazillion free newspapers, there were scary biting dogs... And the ultimate straw was the morning delivery round... I mean... What self respecting tweenager ever got out of bed in the morning voluntarily?!?!?! 

(Even to this day I am really NOT a morning person for goodness sake!!)

3. Turning vegetarian...

My next job was actually a Saturday job in a butchers.  That was actually ok... Although the feeling of rubbery tripe through the plastic bags was just gross!!  

But the smell of raw meat did eventually get to me... And onto my clothes, hair, etc etc...  Little by little I didn't actually realise I was eating less meat... Until driving down to Kielder one weekend and I saw all the lovely Spring lambs and then fellow passengers pointed out I killed innocent lambs like that... 

(I actually had to point out I didn't actually work in an abattoir!!)

However working in the butchers did give some memorable experiences... Like the time we popped the eye out from a pig... Put it into the dip in the apprentice's hat... And he spent all morning wondering why customers were giving him strange looks... Well, at least he did until he had to stretch into the bottom of the cabinet and the eye rolled out... 😉

And then there was the time that it was a hot summers day, the meat was greasy... And the master butcher basically slit across his main artery in his wrist...  !! 

Aside from trying to hold a burly man's arm above his head and trying to call the ambulance, that's where we discovered an ambulance from the city centre comes out faster than a doctor from the surgery across the road...

It was also where I discovered that the owner of THAT particular chain of butchers docked my wages for accompanying the butcher in the ambulance to A&E.... "Because i had failed to remain working therefore not eligible to pay..."

What an ass.  Needless to say, I quit soon after!!

4. The seedy side of silver service...

So my next job in life whilst still at school was being a waitress... At multiple places!

(See... Multi tasking at the age of 15!!)

The sights, sounds and smells of being a waitress certainly made my eyes water - as well as the almost slave labour of what was actually expected of the waiting staff.

First off - waitressing in local hotel... Not only having to put up with the sleazy patrons who clearly thought that I was a piece of meat fresh for groping, the fact that waitressing also meant being expected to prepare starters, side dishes, desserts AND do all the dishwashing on the side.... Let's just say it was a far cry from my initial visions of being Yvette from 'Allo 'Allo!   

(My poor hands literally made me look like a scrubber from the 15th century!!)

Honestly - even though I had a frilly white apron and all the free juice I could possibly want... There are some things in life that are just not worth it.... Especially when I saw what the chefs did.... 😷😂

Let's just say I wasn't aware of environmental health, and I developed a healthy cynicism for 'healthy home cooked fayre'.... 😣😣😣

My second waitressing job DID teach me about silver service... But think I actually learned more from watching 'Pretty Woman'.... Although to be fair I never had to serve snails ("slippery little suckers"). Think I may have turned a little green If I had had to 😜!!

Although I am actually a dab hand at knowing how to set up for a 9 course meal with matching wine.... Even if I do say so myself lol.

And btw... Side plates with rolls ALWAYS go on the left... Regardless if you prefer the look of the seeded plaited one on your right people!! 

Anyway... After all this training around food... Is it any wonder I am a feeder when it comes to entertaining nowadays???   I just don't do fish.... (See previous blog about missing a wedding and ex-husband never even noticed lol!!)

So... Enough of job history just now... Am sure there is only so much excitement people can take... Lol.

Although I will finish this segment by telling a story of a group of ladies who went out for night out and decided to make up new jobs for themselves in case they got talking to random strangers....  It broke down into kissogram, a bikini waxer, a nun and a headmistress.

Will leave that pleasant thought in all your heads... One of them was actually me... 😉

9: Medical maladies - and hypochondria to boot!

Ok... So I write this, thinking I must be the biggest hypochondriac in the world....

Aches, pains, real or imagined... But it's funny how things play out in life 😄😄

As a child, I cannot claim to have been perfect (I hear you all snigger at that one already...)

But I mean, who didn't pull a sickie to get off school?  I can't even claim I was that inventive... Sore throats, a headache, a fevered brow... Or if I was feeling particularly dramatic, then sometimes a sprained ankle or knee that made me a cripple....

(That ruse always seemed to fail however when I forgot what side I was supposed to be limping on!!!)

My parents of course were wise to all these tricks... The only saving grace was that I was a know-it all that never fell behind at school....

In those days, the thrill of being wrapped up in a quilt watching illicit daytime tv, with juice and snacks being brought to me, seemed like bliss lol.

It actually was not until I actually really did get sick, that I realised that being sick meant sick bowls, shivering, dashes to the toilet and disliking sound / light / company....  And it is truly pants!!!  

(Having had proper bout of flu last year made that memory even more real!!

However, generally it has made me quite reticent about going to the doctor.

During high school and uni days I was struck down with glandular fever, then something called Tietze syndrome and then ultimately through early twenties I ended up being hospitalised for 4 operations and then another 3 times for severe dehydration / abdominal issues!!

The doctors mantra... "You should have gone to see your doctor earlier.....!!

(Oh.. Btw... Funny story... Tietze syndrome is NOT the same as Tourette's syndrome... Despite the f***ing similarities in the words!!)

It was funny though..  Growing up, my parents ended up taking us to Sick Kids on a regular basis... And the amount of bandages, neck collars (oops, they were all mine!) and various child friendly medicines was truly astounding.  I distinctly remember banana flavoured gloop which was just disgusting!

Anyhow... Given the drama queen I am / was, one of the worst times was when I was sitting in English in 6th Year at school... There was only 4 of us in the class... Teacher left the room, we started laughing at a joke... And my neck literally had ripping sound down the right hand side.... Instant tears.

What followed was a classic overreaction to a pupil injury...

Headteacher called school nurse, who phoned PE Teacher (?!?), who phoned an ambulance....

Unfortunately the paramedics were trying to remove me from 3rd floor classroom on a back board, with no working lift... At class changeover time.... 

So best I can remember is being taken down the main staircase and then being blue-lighted to hospital.

Unbeknownst to me, the school had phoned my mum, who had to phone my dad as he had the car... As they rushed into the hospital to see me, I know I looked worse than I should... I was on drip and oxygen and had neck brace on! 

As it turns out, it would appear that I just turned my head too quickly and I had torn neck muscles... All from laughing in English!!

Drama didn't even stop there though... By time we got home, my brother had told my auntie I had broken my neck and may have died....

So... A cautionary tale!  So much so, that 5 years later, my boyfriend at the time had been driving both of us, and we were in a bit of a one-sided accident.  I ended up driving home 400 miles with undiagnosed whiplash and then being sent to hospital by my work the following day.... Where it turned out I had 2 cracked vertebrae.... (The irony of me actually working for the NHS at the time was not lost on me btw).

On a side note, should have realised that that relationship never going to last when we were in another accident with him driving - literally 2 days after i got my previous neck collar off... With hindsight I wonder if he was after my life insurance???

But looking back at my childhood, I can only be described as a klutz:

... Going to play parks and falling off chutes...sprained ankles.  

... Going down a fireman pole slide that i forgot to slide down and just 'let go'... Head injury and concussion.

... Swinging on a chain rope across driveway a foot off the ground... Lump on head.

... Somersaults off wardrobe onto bed... Chip out of head that remains to this day... 

(As opposed to having a chip on my shoulder... Lol)

... Running through parks barefoot... Bee stings on foot.  (At least they have decency to die after they sting you!!)

Anyway... My attitude to trying to get medical help changed when I saw the size of my medical file at age 20 compared to that of a geriatric .... With hindsight I realise it was probably her 100th file... But I decided that I didn't need medical intervention... Ever lol.

However... Given my own medical / drama experience, I possibly do not make the most sympathetic of nurses to those around me if I think they are faking it....

When I used to be scout leader, I would take everyone else's maladies very seriously... I mean... They were not my kids!  

And actually I was quite good at playing nurse to many sick and injured... (Nothing dubious or double entendre meant by THAT statement.)

Anyway.... Now I am a great believe in sleep cures most things, there are painkillers if you are desperate... And alcohol to cleanse any instruments.

For me, laughter is best medicine for all circumstances... 

So when the kids have a skint knee or sore head... I just jump straight to offering amputation... As I put on my Quasimodo walk and nervous twitch eye....