3: Holiday Blog: Gran Canaria - Day 3 AND 4

Ok... so I confess, I am writing this late to the party as basically I passed out two nights ago from too much drink.  For those that know me, know it is not like me, but hey... this makes it interesting 😀.

So with that startling confession, Monday was a fantastically lazy day... well at least to start with 😀.

Turns out that the luminous wrist bands we were given previous night, do indeed go all night.  Unlike us.  But turns out that they give enough light to disturb sleep... 

Anyway, I impressed myself in the morning by actually making it to the gym for an actual cardio workout.  First time EVER on holiday have I have ever done gym work.

I toddled off thinking that I would have the place to myself, but no.  Turned out I would share the gym with a muscleman who worked out in his socks and who sounded like he was having some kind of slow orgasm, or dying a slow painful death.  

Then a Spanish couple came in, and clearly I was on the only piece of gym equipment that the woman knew how to use... she sat behind me as I used the stepper for the whole 10 minute workout 😱. (I also used the bike, but could not for the life of me work out how to use the bloody treadmill.  I mean how hard can it be?????)

Then after that, a mini version of Danny De Vito came in and randomly filled up 8 cups of water and then went to the top corner of the gym... to do what, my mind can only ponder!

Then it was a quick shower then straight into the pool for a wee swim before I basically flaked out in the sun for a couple of hours.  This is such a new thing for me to do... normally I do active holidays and tours... this relaxing thing is good 😀.

It’s really interesting even people watching from our balcony.  We are on the 5th floor and basically we can see everything that happens below us.  Everything.  Even when we don’t want to.

Turns out one of our neighbours has distinctly grey Y-fronts, and the gents along from us appear to do a great line in natty boxer shorts. 

We toddled off for lunch at the place we ate on Saturday, and this is where the beginning of the downfall started I think.  

So to start with, we had our daily noon sangria beside the pool.  

Then we shared a litre of sangria over lunch.  

Then we had more sangria (and a coffee) at the Ritz after lunch.  

Then we had more sangria whilst people watching from our balcony prior to dinner.  

Then we had a bottle of white wine with dinner.  

And then we went to Bar Fiction and had a cocktail and 2 gins each.

So there is NO BLOODY WONDER I felt tipsy and needed to sleep by midnight that night.... 😱😱😱.

Also unfair... I woke up to find my friend taking a picture of me sleeping... because he thinks he has found a cure to my permanent insomnia.  (Photo was not a creepy one - feel I have to point that out.  Just a really bad picture of me looking rough and huddled under the blankets!)

Anyway... a couple of things to note from Monday... the toilets at the Ritz are very impressive - done up in a renaissance style, with lots of intricately placed tiles and artwork... seems a shame to have it all in the smallest room... but given my public toilet phobia, I loved it mainly because it was clean and hygienic lol. 😀😀😀.

And then there was the bar we ended up at night.  Bar Fiction.  

Where the serving staff serve all possible demographics - let’s call it the ‘Hooters’ for all sexual persuasions.  

To be fair, I am not sure the staff could work out if my friend and I were a couple, or I was a fag hag, or if we were brother and sister.  So basically they sent different servers each time to replenish the nuts (too many jokes there btw).

But people watching could definitely become my newest favourite hobby. And it turns out that we were like a real couple of bitchy sweetie wives 😂😜.  But the important thing was that we kept it to ourselves and did not hurt anyone.  

We also had front row seats for watching the half naked acrobats do their routines to the bongo drums.  I jest not.  I really thought I had seen everything, and then there is here 😀... but in the best way possible 😀😀😀.

(As an aside, some of the tourist tat would make for interesting alternate uses.  But you may have to be careful not to get splinters anywhere delicate...)

Anyway, moving swiftly on, I can now also write about our shenanigans from yesterday... 😀

It started so normally.  Breakfast at a reasonable time, followed by time by the pool sunbathing.  Except it was a tad cooler with no direct sun, so the few people who were out on the loungers were covering themselves with towels, fleece jumpers and jackets.  Because you know.... they paid for a week’s sun all inclusive... and by jove they were going to get their money’s worth.

I just went straight into the pool for 40 mins and swam up and down, up and down, up and down... you get the gist.  But it was quite therapeutic and hypnotic.  Until this one guy decided that middle age dive bombing into the pool was a great idea.  Especially as I was swimming past.  🤯

Anyway... I then got out and decided as it was slightly cool and cloudy, that I would go and dry off in the sauna.  A great idea.  Stops the soggy bottom sensation in bikini lol. 😂

After freshening up we decided to leave the complex and head down to the sea in the afternoon... this exercise regime means I am definitely trying to do something every day... so this constituted a wee drink at the Red Cow, a fab lunch on the promenade, followed by walk back past the dunes.  

The wind had literally whipped up a sandstorm, and actually it was pretty amazing to watch how the dunes are formed by the wind patterns.  Meant trying to take photos was a bit of a bugger though as that grit gets everywhere...

A word of caution to any newbies coming out this way... there are three distinct types of beaches here.  Family, nudist and gay.   Doesn’t bother me either way, but there are tales of weary travellers losing their way in the dark.  Supposedly. 🤔

Stopped at Ritz again for a cheeky wee pre-birthday treat for my friend and then back for dinner. Dinner in the hotel was lovely again, but think I am actually suffering from too much food.  Goodness knows what I will weigh when I get home!  

Now dinner time is an all important decision point in the day, where we decide that we are going with the flow, or if we are going to have a quiet night sampling maybe a coffee and a small drink before retiring for an early night... or whether it might be a late one.  So my friend was busy tagging photos like #notreallyfeelingit.... which then turns into the holiday equivalent of ‘light salad for tea tonight?’ after eating too much during the day lol.

So... we went out with the mantra of going with flow and maybe just having the one.  

So first off, we went to Mardi Gras bar.  Where my wig was not sitting comfortably, and rather than sitting scratching my scalp all night, I decided to go to the toilets and fix.  Until I discovered it was a communal sink and vanity area.  Which was fine, and by no means bothers me as many people have seen me without a wig nowadays.  However it became funny when the wee man beside me looked at me and said I didn’t need to fix my hair, when I explained that it was actually a wig.  So i took it off to show him, and tried to then put my hairnet back on, prior to fixing the wig.  And he just started laughing hysterically.  And said I looked like a bank robber with the hair net on.  I agreed 😀😀😀.

He then went on to tell me that he thought it was bloody cold out here this year and he was going to apply gravy to his skin when he got home so he could look like he had a proper tan for returning to work... sounds awfully like someone else I know here on holiday lol!!!

After this, we decided to go upstairs to Sparkles show bar.  Where the waiter used to live up the road from me in Edinburgh (but I didn’t know him), and I got randomly hit on by a 51yr old Norwegian.

This guy was quick to point out he was single, straight, 3 kids, travels the world and only needs to work 3 months a year as life was for living.... and he doesn’t mind coming to “these types of shows” as they are very funny and he loves the British sense of humour.  But you know know.  He wasn’t “one of them”.... all basically without drawing breath.  

Which amazes me, as he had initially kept trying to move his chair and leg closer and closer to me, to the point I had turned to my friend and uttered murderous thoughts about stabbing said weirdo with a fork if he got much closer.

Anyway, using a variety of ploys including literally whispering conversations with my friend using the ‘rhubarb rhubarb’ technique employed by actors, tipping the servers to keep a clear path, confirming that my ‘lover’ was not impressed at me talking to him, and even telling him that this was my first holiday since end of cancer did not stop him. 

To be fair, I think he was just lonely as his friend had bailed on him, but really.... now is it always bloody me!  Of course I hate being rude, so in the end I went to the bathroom leaving my friend to deal with conversational matters.  And when I came back I managed to get an empty seat on the other side... all was going well and then we opted to leave... and it was like a long bloody farewell all over again.  Which was lovingly captured on camera by my friend who was just creasing himself at this point. Huh. 😱😂🤪

Anyway... we could have opted of return to the hotel at that point... but you know, it had just turned over the clock to being my friend’s birthday... so we decided to stay out and go to Funny Boys and Coco Loco again as per the first night here... and what a hoot.

Yet again the shows were amazing, and we danced into the very small hours to cheesy pop tunes.  I have to confess by this point I was already on soft drinks, a decision reinforced when I saw that there was one poor local who had fallen asleep at the bar, so the staff decided to draw on him.  He is definitely going to wake up with some weird ass face drawings on him.  I only hope it wasn’t done with a Sharpie pen 😳😝😂.

On the way back to the hotel at 4.30am, we did a detour round the square as we could hear the call of some other cheesy music.  This time Celine Dion.  Alas, we got there in time for only one last dance and then the lights literally went up.

Getting back to the hotel was very funny - there are LOTS of staircases around here.   But all was good, and have to say...  sleep was easily achieved.  And I didn’t care a hoot if I ended up snoring lol...

Not quite sure what next day going to be like however.... 🤪😂.